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yellowhordeDisclaimer: I don’t own Gundam Wing and I make no money from this or any other fanfic I write.
Pairing: 5x?
Category: Angst
Rating: R
Warnings: Yaoi, Deathfic.
Title: Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again
Author: yellowhorde
One step at a time, one footstep, another… Slowly, steadily, the dark haired man was drawn ever forward, being pulled along that all too familiar path that danced and snaked through the cemetery. Almost against his will, he made his silent way through the rolling hills, the artfully arranged landscape barren in the early April rain that had slackened off to misty drizzle.
Here between the gentle swelling hills and with the protection of the scattered multitude of naked trees and barren bushes, the wind that had previously screamed and pummeled the brooding man's coat shrouded body had finally been tamed, subdued, at least marginally. It still fluttered the hem of his black trench coat and his ebony hair, which was for once allowed its freedom, but the wind was now gentler, more restrained. Almost civilized. Wispy tendrils dripping beads of moisture brushed delicately against his impassive face sending the occasional shiver coursing down the young man's spine. The air was soft and alive with the smell of new growth, new life, the delicate scent of rain and moist rich earth. The watercolor wash of green that shimmered against the distant gray of the sky was barely evident, just the merest hint. But it WAS there. Spring had made its magical reappearance, banishing the long dark winter, those long, cold, silent nights…
(April showers bring May flowers…) This random though fluttered through Wufei's distracted mind, causing him to smile faintly, yet it never touched his dull eyes. Nothing had been able to move him for a very long time, either anger, or happiness. Nothing but this never-ending grief, this all- consuming sadness.
The eternal stream of memories clamored for attention and once again his mind was pulled into the sucking whirlpool that forever raged in his mind, and he did not struggle, did not fight. He no longer had the strength to resist. These memories, some good, some awful, cut into Wufei's soul like a knife, drawing out not blood, but his will to live, not just to sustain life, breath and heartbeat, but to really LIVE! Relena had been right though she might not have realized it. Wufei was not living, not really. He was merely existing, just carrying out his pointless life from one dreadful day to the next.
(I feel so lost, so alone…Please God, let it end or let me die…)
Thoughts of his beloved friend, gone these past five years arose unbidden as they always did. His beautiful, earnest, laughing eyes, so full of love and adoration. Bursting with life and happiness. His smooth, silky hair glimmering in the sun. His passion for life, his indomitable spirit. (Oh, God! He's gone, gone forever, leaving me alone with only memories of him and our too brief time together.) Hands curled into trembling fists at his side, the knuckles white.
The only light that had brightened Wufei's otherwise dark soul had been snuffed out and it had been Wufei's fault. Guilt consumed him, pulled at his already tattered heart. There wasn't much left after all these years…Piece by piece it was dying away.
(If only I had insisted that we stay at home, we would never have been out in that storm. All of this, all this heart ache, this pain could have been avoided.)
"I must tell him, Wufei. I don't want to hurt him… But he must be made to understand the truth. He and I will never be more than just friends. It would be better if he heard it from me…"
Wufei had protested at first, it was late, there was a storm approaching…surely it could wait until the next morning, but his love had been adamant, not to be refused, and the unhappy Chinese youth had been too weak to say no. How could he have denied him anything? He loved that young man with all of his heart and soul. So he had relented, hell, he had even agreed with what the boy had been saying, and so had promptly set out on the course that would alter his life forever.
Wufei closed his eyes, shaking his head, tendrils of damp hair slapping his face. Tears, scalding like acid, welled in the depths of his dark velvet eyes, overflowed down his smooth pale cheeks, adding their own salty wetness to the moisture deposited by the rain. What he wanted, needed was the dark silence solitude of oblivion, but once more memories, sweet and poignant, assaulted his senses. He let them ride over him, through him for he knew there was no stopping them. What else COULD he do but surrender himself up to them?
Whispers of love in the dark, the moist warm of breath against his shoulder as he held the trembling, nervous boy in his arms. So tender, so gentle, so sincere. "I love you, Wufei, with all of my heart, all of my soul… To you I offer up everything- my heart, my love…my innocence…" Those words, spoken with such soft surety, such peace of mind, reached deep down inside the former pilot's heart and ignited a spark he had thought had died out long ago. Something that had withered away supposedly lost for all time with the death of his young wife, Meilan.
Alone in the dark silence of their newly acquired apartment, bare of any furnishing save their bed, a dresser, the television entertainment system, and the CD player that filled the empty space with soothing instrumentals. Dim April moonlight, soft, white and hesitant, filtered in the unadorned windows despite the approaching gray clouds that rumbled ominously in the decreasing distance.
In the bedroom, fingers ghosted hesitantly along sweat beaded skin, searching, palms sliding against palms, fingers reaching and entwining, feeling the rising pulse, the mounting tensions. Lips pressing together, tongues tasting, teasing, exploring as the two blanket -shrouded figures joyfully crossed that boundary line that separated friends and lovers, to share their rising passion for the first time, the last time… Fires of ecstasy flared and spread, fanning out as wild fire before the wind, until the two lovers were all but consumed by its ravaging flames. In the searing heat of their love, two souls, two bodies, two hearts died simultaneously, and, like the legendary Phoenix, were reborn as one in that torrid heat and fierce power of their overwhelming desire. United by love for all eternity…
…Police sirens pulsed endlessly, illuminating the chaos and destruction with multicolored lighting. Rescue workers huddled in small groups talking in soft hushed voices. There was nothing that could be done…Shattered glass carelessly strewn across the black, rain soaked pavement like so many precious jewels against thick velvet, as the lights continued to flash and spin. Turning those shards first into sapphires, now rubies, before once more becoming like glimmering diamonds.
With head hung low, Wufei cradled the still, broken form that was the one he cherished most in the entire world. How pale, how still he lay, his eyes closed, his head hanging limply against Wufei's heaving chest, as his blood slowly seeping into the Chinese youth's lap, staining the cloth, saturating it with gleaming pools of blood. There was no breath, no pulse, no warmth, and no movement. Nothing. Tears fell unheeded down the sobbing boy's face as he rocked slowly back and forth, pleading softly but with rising hysteria with that battered lifeless body. "Oh, please, no. No, no, oh, no. Please, wake up; open your eyes, your okay, your all right. Please, say something…Please, God, oh, please, open your eyes…"
…The sickening stench of flowers, almost gagging the stunned youth, filled the small claustrophobic room in the funeral parlor. Wufei tried to look away, look anywhere but at that gleaming casket, those dreadful flowers… But his eyes kept being pulled back…
Wufei had seen the other man's approach, had seen the utter rage that darkened his face, the tears that streamed from wild eyes. But he watched the man come closer, as if unattached to his body. Numb. Then that voice had lashed out like a bullwhip filled with hurt, betrayal. Even now, five years later, Wufei winced at the raw pain he had seen in those eyes, the accusation he heard in that voice. Those words flashed through Wufei's mind; sharp as any dagger, fresh as the day those words had been uttered. The years would never dull that agony; no amount of time could ever erase such complete desolation.
"You killed him, Wufei! You killed him! If he had stayed with me, none of this mess would have happened. He would be alive today if you had not stolen him away from me. He is dead, Wufei, because of YOU! It is all your fault!"
Wild with grief, the other man, the one who had harbored deep feelings for the soul that had been taken from them, feelings that had been unrequited, had grabbed Wufei by the front of his dark suit and had shaken him furiously, like a puppy with a scrap of cloth.
Wufei's dark, almond eyes had flown open with surprise at such an emotional outburst from the normally controlled youth. But he did not struggle; he did not deny those cruel accusations. How could he? For the man had spoken the truth. It was his fault…
Even as his friends hurried to restrain the distraught and violent man, Wufei mentally replayed the accident over and over again. Saw the other car losing control, skidding towards them, tires skating along the slick surface of the road. (Hydroplaning…I believe that is what it's called…when the car loses complete contact with the road…) That thought had flashed through Wufei's mind even as he had spun the wheel, but the tires of his own vehicle had slid along the surface of the rain-slicked road refusing to obey its driver. That sickening sense of losing control…the loud finality of metal striking metal, and then silence…
Only in his mind, Wufei had managed to steer both him and his love out of danger. All of this, the funeral, the nauseatingly overpowering stench of funeral flowers, his friends sorrowful faces, the angry ex-pilot sobbing raggedly against the shoulder of one of his friends, all this was just a dream. A terrible nightmare from which he knew he would never be able to wake up from…
CHAPTER THREE
Pairing: 5x?
Category: Angst
Rating: R
Warnings: Yaoi, Deathfic.
Title: Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again
Author: yellowhorde
One step at a time, one footstep, another… Slowly, steadily, the dark haired man was drawn ever forward, being pulled along that all too familiar path that danced and snaked through the cemetery. Almost against his will, he made his silent way through the rolling hills, the artfully arranged landscape barren in the early April rain that had slackened off to misty drizzle.
Here between the gentle swelling hills and with the protection of the scattered multitude of naked trees and barren bushes, the wind that had previously screamed and pummeled the brooding man's coat shrouded body had finally been tamed, subdued, at least marginally. It still fluttered the hem of his black trench coat and his ebony hair, which was for once allowed its freedom, but the wind was now gentler, more restrained. Almost civilized. Wispy tendrils dripping beads of moisture brushed delicately against his impassive face sending the occasional shiver coursing down the young man's spine. The air was soft and alive with the smell of new growth, new life, the delicate scent of rain and moist rich earth. The watercolor wash of green that shimmered against the distant gray of the sky was barely evident, just the merest hint. But it WAS there. Spring had made its magical reappearance, banishing the long dark winter, those long, cold, silent nights…
(April showers bring May flowers…) This random though fluttered through Wufei's distracted mind, causing him to smile faintly, yet it never touched his dull eyes. Nothing had been able to move him for a very long time, either anger, or happiness. Nothing but this never-ending grief, this all- consuming sadness.
The eternal stream of memories clamored for attention and once again his mind was pulled into the sucking whirlpool that forever raged in his mind, and he did not struggle, did not fight. He no longer had the strength to resist. These memories, some good, some awful, cut into Wufei's soul like a knife, drawing out not blood, but his will to live, not just to sustain life, breath and heartbeat, but to really LIVE! Relena had been right though she might not have realized it. Wufei was not living, not really. He was merely existing, just carrying out his pointless life from one dreadful day to the next.
(I feel so lost, so alone…Please God, let it end or let me die…)
Thoughts of his beloved friend, gone these past five years arose unbidden as they always did. His beautiful, earnest, laughing eyes, so full of love and adoration. Bursting with life and happiness. His smooth, silky hair glimmering in the sun. His passion for life, his indomitable spirit. (Oh, God! He's gone, gone forever, leaving me alone with only memories of him and our too brief time together.) Hands curled into trembling fists at his side, the knuckles white.
The only light that had brightened Wufei's otherwise dark soul had been snuffed out and it had been Wufei's fault. Guilt consumed him, pulled at his already tattered heart. There wasn't much left after all these years…Piece by piece it was dying away.
(If only I had insisted that we stay at home, we would never have been out in that storm. All of this, all this heart ache, this pain could have been avoided.)
"I must tell him, Wufei. I don't want to hurt him… But he must be made to understand the truth. He and I will never be more than just friends. It would be better if he heard it from me…"
Wufei had protested at first, it was late, there was a storm approaching…surely it could wait until the next morning, but his love had been adamant, not to be refused, and the unhappy Chinese youth had been too weak to say no. How could he have denied him anything? He loved that young man with all of his heart and soul. So he had relented, hell, he had even agreed with what the boy had been saying, and so had promptly set out on the course that would alter his life forever.
Wufei closed his eyes, shaking his head, tendrils of damp hair slapping his face. Tears, scalding like acid, welled in the depths of his dark velvet eyes, overflowed down his smooth pale cheeks, adding their own salty wetness to the moisture deposited by the rain. What he wanted, needed was the dark silence solitude of oblivion, but once more memories, sweet and poignant, assaulted his senses. He let them ride over him, through him for he knew there was no stopping them. What else COULD he do but surrender himself up to them?
Whispers of love in the dark, the moist warm of breath against his shoulder as he held the trembling, nervous boy in his arms. So tender, so gentle, so sincere. "I love you, Wufei, with all of my heart, all of my soul… To you I offer up everything- my heart, my love…my innocence…" Those words, spoken with such soft surety, such peace of mind, reached deep down inside the former pilot's heart and ignited a spark he had thought had died out long ago. Something that had withered away supposedly lost for all time with the death of his young wife, Meilan.
Alone in the dark silence of their newly acquired apartment, bare of any furnishing save their bed, a dresser, the television entertainment system, and the CD player that filled the empty space with soothing instrumentals. Dim April moonlight, soft, white and hesitant, filtered in the unadorned windows despite the approaching gray clouds that rumbled ominously in the decreasing distance.
In the bedroom, fingers ghosted hesitantly along sweat beaded skin, searching, palms sliding against palms, fingers reaching and entwining, feeling the rising pulse, the mounting tensions. Lips pressing together, tongues tasting, teasing, exploring as the two blanket -shrouded figures joyfully crossed that boundary line that separated friends and lovers, to share their rising passion for the first time, the last time… Fires of ecstasy flared and spread, fanning out as wild fire before the wind, until the two lovers were all but consumed by its ravaging flames. In the searing heat of their love, two souls, two bodies, two hearts died simultaneously, and, like the legendary Phoenix, were reborn as one in that torrid heat and fierce power of their overwhelming desire. United by love for all eternity…
…Police sirens pulsed endlessly, illuminating the chaos and destruction with multicolored lighting. Rescue workers huddled in small groups talking in soft hushed voices. There was nothing that could be done…Shattered glass carelessly strewn across the black, rain soaked pavement like so many precious jewels against thick velvet, as the lights continued to flash and spin. Turning those shards first into sapphires, now rubies, before once more becoming like glimmering diamonds.
With head hung low, Wufei cradled the still, broken form that was the one he cherished most in the entire world. How pale, how still he lay, his eyes closed, his head hanging limply against Wufei's heaving chest, as his blood slowly seeping into the Chinese youth's lap, staining the cloth, saturating it with gleaming pools of blood. There was no breath, no pulse, no warmth, and no movement. Nothing. Tears fell unheeded down the sobbing boy's face as he rocked slowly back and forth, pleading softly but with rising hysteria with that battered lifeless body. "Oh, please, no. No, no, oh, no. Please, wake up; open your eyes, your okay, your all right. Please, say something…Please, God, oh, please, open your eyes…"
…The sickening stench of flowers, almost gagging the stunned youth, filled the small claustrophobic room in the funeral parlor. Wufei tried to look away, look anywhere but at that gleaming casket, those dreadful flowers… But his eyes kept being pulled back…
Wufei had seen the other man's approach, had seen the utter rage that darkened his face, the tears that streamed from wild eyes. But he watched the man come closer, as if unattached to his body. Numb. Then that voice had lashed out like a bullwhip filled with hurt, betrayal. Even now, five years later, Wufei winced at the raw pain he had seen in those eyes, the accusation he heard in that voice. Those words flashed through Wufei's mind; sharp as any dagger, fresh as the day those words had been uttered. The years would never dull that agony; no amount of time could ever erase such complete desolation.
"You killed him, Wufei! You killed him! If he had stayed with me, none of this mess would have happened. He would be alive today if you had not stolen him away from me. He is dead, Wufei, because of YOU! It is all your fault!"
Wild with grief, the other man, the one who had harbored deep feelings for the soul that had been taken from them, feelings that had been unrequited, had grabbed Wufei by the front of his dark suit and had shaken him furiously, like a puppy with a scrap of cloth.
Wufei's dark, almond eyes had flown open with surprise at such an emotional outburst from the normally controlled youth. But he did not struggle; he did not deny those cruel accusations. How could he? For the man had spoken the truth. It was his fault…
Even as his friends hurried to restrain the distraught and violent man, Wufei mentally replayed the accident over and over again. Saw the other car losing control, skidding towards them, tires skating along the slick surface of the road. (Hydroplaning…I believe that is what it's called…when the car loses complete contact with the road…) That thought had flashed through Wufei's mind even as he had spun the wheel, but the tires of his own vehicle had slid along the surface of the rain-slicked road refusing to obey its driver. That sickening sense of losing control…the loud finality of metal striking metal, and then silence…
Only in his mind, Wufei had managed to steer both him and his love out of danger. All of this, the funeral, the nauseatingly overpowering stench of funeral flowers, his friends sorrowful faces, the angry ex-pilot sobbing raggedly against the shoulder of one of his friends, all this was just a dream. A terrible nightmare from which he knew he would never be able to wake up from…
CHAPTER THREE
