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yellowhordeDisclaimer: I don’t own Gundam Wing and I make no money from this or any other fanfic I write.
Pairing: 5x?
Category: Angst
Rating: R
Warnings: Yaoi, Deathfic.
Title: Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again
Author: yellowhorde
Wufei’s conscious mind drew him up and out of his dismal recollections, pulling itself back to the land of the physical, the world of the present. Silently, he bid farewell to his painful memories knowing full well that they would be coming back for another visit shortly. Absently, he noted that the rain had ceased altogether leaving the wind alone to play its invisible fingers gently through the almost barren branches of the trees, to lift the damp hair from the Chinese youth’s neck, to caress the bronze tear streaked cheeks.
(Rain, rain, go away! Come again some other day…)
This children’s rhyme sing-songed merrily through the tired man’s mind as with the faintest smile, the dark eyed youth scanned the sky expectantly and yes, sure enough, patches of sky, blue as a robin’s egg were peeking tentatively through the dark clouds. Golden rays of illumination probed through the swiftly disintegrating clouds, laying gentle warmth across the Chinese man’s smooth face, filling Wufei’s heart with a sense of serenity he had not felt for a very long time. In the far distance a rainbow danced and shimmered, a breathtakingly beautiful reminder of a promise made thousands of years ago, if you believed the biblical stories. It was a fantastic breathtaking symbol of peace, continuous life, and hope.
The former pilot of Shenlong approached the gravesite of his lost love, a simple marker bearing only that blessed name and two dates, that of his birth and his tragic death. The thick carpet of grass muffled Wufei’s footfalls; he glanced over the various flowers that graced the somber granite. Roses predominated in a multitude of hues, red, white and yellow… but there was also a bouquet of calla lilies. A quirking smile graced Wufei’s lips. No need to guess who had left those…
Carefully, the silent youth reached into the pocket of his trench coat, still beaded with a whole host of crystalline droplets that sparkled in the soft golden rays that peeped out from behind the quickly dispersing storm clouds. With practiced grace, Wufei lit the sweet smelling incense and placed it on the smooth stone. Smooth palms pressed together in a gesture of prayer. Thick soot lashes brushed against pale cheeks as his eyes closed, his head slowly bowing, chin almost touching his chest as his mind flew out and up, up to the heavens along with the thin dancing tendrils of smoke that carried all of his thoughts, all his prayers, all of his love.
(I need to get on with my life… To continue living… But…can I? It’s been so long…)
For the past five years Wufei had isolated himself from his fellow Gundam pilots, his only true and loyal friends. He had studiously avoided them, ignored their telephone calls, refusing to have anything to do with any of them, being especially careful to avoid HIM.
…You killed him, Wufei…All your fault…you killed him…killed him….
(No! I didn’t kill him! I didn’t! It was an accident, a horrible accident! Please…If I could take it all back I would… if I could offer up my life in exchange for his… I would… In a second! But I can’t! I… can’t! Oh God, I can’t… but how I wish I COULD!)
(…I miss them…all of them…) This thought, although not new, surfaced, a tiny iridescent bubble gliding up from his subconscious mind. The depth of the loneliness he felt almost surprised the young Chinese man. Though his heart had grasped this truth long before his mind had acknowledged it. He DID miss them, ALL of them, their smiles, their laughter, their companionship, the way they had come to depend upon each other whether on the blazing battlefields of space or off.
Suddenly, realization dawned, brilliant rays of clarity which burst through the eternal clouds of his grief that had clouded his mind for so long, the awful comprehension that through his actions, he, Chang Wufei, had been hurting not only himself, but his friends as well!
Tears squeezed out from beneath clenched lids. No! He could not bear the thought that he had mindlessly inflicted pain on those he still held dear. But there was no denying the fact. Whether he had realized it or not, he had been selfish in his grief, had wrongly believed that he was the only one suffering from the loss of his most cherished friend and lover. But that was a lie! They had ALL suffered from the loss of that precious one! The smiling boy had been a friend to each and every one of them, and with his passing, all of their worlds had become a little darker as a piece of their souls died with him.
(Please…) silently begged the raven-haired youth, (please, my one and only… love of my life…heart of my heart… lend me your strength! Help me break free from this darkness that has held me prisoner for so very long. I can no longer bear the solitude…)
High above the sun broke completely free of the clouds that had held it captive and beamed its golden goodness down upon the world that lay at its feet. Droplets of moisture clung to every surface and delicate baby leaves and blades of grass alike sparkled like so many precious jewels. Wufei could almost feel the kindness, all of the gentleness and compassion, of the boy he adored settle around his narrow shoulders with an almost physical weight. Warm, loving. Urging Wufei to live, in his memory, for his sake…
Wufei sensed the silent man’s presence behind him though not the faintest sound had betrayed the intruder. For the briefest of moments, Wufei’s heart fluttered in his throat like a tiny dove, and he believed the impossible, believed in miracles, believed in a just and merciful God.
(He has been returned to me! God has given him back!)
“Quatre…”
The name slipped past Wufei’s lips, the faintest of whispers filled with such longing and for the briefest, sweetest moment, his heart soared. But only for a moment, then the temporary madness disappeared, driven away by rational thinking, leaving the ebony-eyed youth feeling somehow empty and desolate and very foolish. No, it was not Quatre. His beloved would, sadly, never tread this mortal plain again. Not in this lifetime. Fresh pain assaulted Wufei’s heart. Was there no end to it?
“You might as well come out,” Wufei said, without opening his eyes for he already guessed who his visitor was. “I know you’re there.”
The muffled sound of footsteps approaching warily, the faintest trace of cologne wafting on the already fragrant air, then the man was besides him. No greetings were exchanged, no words spoken and for a long while the only sounds to be heard was the faint whistling sigh of the wind as it skipped and danced endlessly through the trees and the well-tended grass. The tension between the two men was palpable, as the strained silence seemed to stretch out into eternity. They stood, each battling with their own thoughts, their own consciousness. Like two statues, the pair of estranged friends struggled to summon up the courage to speak the words that needed so desperately to be spoken.
The taller man shifted nervously clearing his throat and finally managed to push the words past lips which felt cold and numb with some a great deal of difficulty. “Wufei…I’m…sorry. What I said back then…at the funeral…I…” The young man drew a shuddering breath then concluded in a rush, “I was wrong for what I said and I am truly sorry. It was a very emotional time and…”
“Don’t.” Wufei snapped, sharper than he had intended, cutting off that voice harshly, his brow furrowing at the painful memory. He drew in a shuddering intake of air and after a silent moment to collect his thoughts and feelings, he continued in a much softer, gentler voice. “There is no need to apologize…it had been a very trying time for the both of us.”
With eyes downcast, the ebony haired youth turned slowly to face the man besides him. Onyx eyes met emerald as he raised his head to look into his comrade’s face. Tears glistened in the depths of those beautiful green eyes, a kaleidoscope of emotions surged and spun. Wufei felt his own tears burning in the back of his eyes, always so close to the surface. And his heart went out to the brunette man, who had also lost the one he loved. Trowa, more than anyone else, would understand the Oriental’s feelings of loss and desolation. Of hopelessness and despair. Of hearts ripped apart by loneliness, and souls plagued with darkness.
With a soft smile, Wufei extended his hand out towards the former pilot of Heavyarms. It was time to end the hurt, the pain, the loneliness. Time to end the isolation. Time to say goodbye to memories that cut sharp as razors, memories that killed the heart and the soul.
“Let’s let bygones be bygones.”
A single tear slipped down Trowa’s face as he reached out and clasped Wufei’s hand with his own trembling hand and gave it a firm shake. Then, the long banged youth abruptly pulled the smaller boy into his arms, embracing him as the dam gave way and he shed his own tears, tears of sorrow and relief and joy mixing together, flowing as one.
For a moment, Wufei stiffened, his heart beating a crazy tattoo in his narrow chest, before he allowed himself to yield, and ever so slowly, he relaxed against the warmth of the other boy’s body. A soft trembling sigh escaped his lips as his own arms wrapped around Trowa’s shaking torso. It felt so good, so right, so necessary. It was the first human contact he had had in almost five years and suddenly Wufei realized with a calm sense of surety that his days of suffering, the dark endless nights of loneliness, where dawn seemed an impossible dream that teased and taunted forever out of reach like a mirage, were over.
Wufei resolved to relinquish all of the debilitating feelings of misery, emptiness and grief. With the help of his friends, he would live again, for Quatre’s sake, as well as his own.
THE END
Pairing: 5x?
Category: Angst
Rating: R
Warnings: Yaoi, Deathfic.
Title: Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again
Author: yellowhorde
Wufei’s conscious mind drew him up and out of his dismal recollections, pulling itself back to the land of the physical, the world of the present. Silently, he bid farewell to his painful memories knowing full well that they would be coming back for another visit shortly. Absently, he noted that the rain had ceased altogether leaving the wind alone to play its invisible fingers gently through the almost barren branches of the trees, to lift the damp hair from the Chinese youth’s neck, to caress the bronze tear streaked cheeks.
(Rain, rain, go away! Come again some other day…)
This children’s rhyme sing-songed merrily through the tired man’s mind as with the faintest smile, the dark eyed youth scanned the sky expectantly and yes, sure enough, patches of sky, blue as a robin’s egg were peeking tentatively through the dark clouds. Golden rays of illumination probed through the swiftly disintegrating clouds, laying gentle warmth across the Chinese man’s smooth face, filling Wufei’s heart with a sense of serenity he had not felt for a very long time. In the far distance a rainbow danced and shimmered, a breathtakingly beautiful reminder of a promise made thousands of years ago, if you believed the biblical stories. It was a fantastic breathtaking symbol of peace, continuous life, and hope.
The former pilot of Shenlong approached the gravesite of his lost love, a simple marker bearing only that blessed name and two dates, that of his birth and his tragic death. The thick carpet of grass muffled Wufei’s footfalls; he glanced over the various flowers that graced the somber granite. Roses predominated in a multitude of hues, red, white and yellow… but there was also a bouquet of calla lilies. A quirking smile graced Wufei’s lips. No need to guess who had left those…
Carefully, the silent youth reached into the pocket of his trench coat, still beaded with a whole host of crystalline droplets that sparkled in the soft golden rays that peeped out from behind the quickly dispersing storm clouds. With practiced grace, Wufei lit the sweet smelling incense and placed it on the smooth stone. Smooth palms pressed together in a gesture of prayer. Thick soot lashes brushed against pale cheeks as his eyes closed, his head slowly bowing, chin almost touching his chest as his mind flew out and up, up to the heavens along with the thin dancing tendrils of smoke that carried all of his thoughts, all his prayers, all of his love.
(I need to get on with my life… To continue living… But…can I? It’s been so long…)
For the past five years Wufei had isolated himself from his fellow Gundam pilots, his only true and loyal friends. He had studiously avoided them, ignored their telephone calls, refusing to have anything to do with any of them, being especially careful to avoid HIM.
…You killed him, Wufei…All your fault…you killed him…killed him….
(No! I didn’t kill him! I didn’t! It was an accident, a horrible accident! Please…If I could take it all back I would… if I could offer up my life in exchange for his… I would… In a second! But I can’t! I… can’t! Oh God, I can’t… but how I wish I COULD!)
(…I miss them…all of them…) This thought, although not new, surfaced, a tiny iridescent bubble gliding up from his subconscious mind. The depth of the loneliness he felt almost surprised the young Chinese man. Though his heart had grasped this truth long before his mind had acknowledged it. He DID miss them, ALL of them, their smiles, their laughter, their companionship, the way they had come to depend upon each other whether on the blazing battlefields of space or off.
Suddenly, realization dawned, brilliant rays of clarity which burst through the eternal clouds of his grief that had clouded his mind for so long, the awful comprehension that through his actions, he, Chang Wufei, had been hurting not only himself, but his friends as well!
Tears squeezed out from beneath clenched lids. No! He could not bear the thought that he had mindlessly inflicted pain on those he still held dear. But there was no denying the fact. Whether he had realized it or not, he had been selfish in his grief, had wrongly believed that he was the only one suffering from the loss of his most cherished friend and lover. But that was a lie! They had ALL suffered from the loss of that precious one! The smiling boy had been a friend to each and every one of them, and with his passing, all of their worlds had become a little darker as a piece of their souls died with him.
(Please…) silently begged the raven-haired youth, (please, my one and only… love of my life…heart of my heart… lend me your strength! Help me break free from this darkness that has held me prisoner for so very long. I can no longer bear the solitude…)
High above the sun broke completely free of the clouds that had held it captive and beamed its golden goodness down upon the world that lay at its feet. Droplets of moisture clung to every surface and delicate baby leaves and blades of grass alike sparkled like so many precious jewels. Wufei could almost feel the kindness, all of the gentleness and compassion, of the boy he adored settle around his narrow shoulders with an almost physical weight. Warm, loving. Urging Wufei to live, in his memory, for his sake…
Wufei sensed the silent man’s presence behind him though not the faintest sound had betrayed the intruder. For the briefest of moments, Wufei’s heart fluttered in his throat like a tiny dove, and he believed the impossible, believed in miracles, believed in a just and merciful God.
(He has been returned to me! God has given him back!)
“Quatre…”
The name slipped past Wufei’s lips, the faintest of whispers filled with such longing and for the briefest, sweetest moment, his heart soared. But only for a moment, then the temporary madness disappeared, driven away by rational thinking, leaving the ebony-eyed youth feeling somehow empty and desolate and very foolish. No, it was not Quatre. His beloved would, sadly, never tread this mortal plain again. Not in this lifetime. Fresh pain assaulted Wufei’s heart. Was there no end to it?
“You might as well come out,” Wufei said, without opening his eyes for he already guessed who his visitor was. “I know you’re there.”
The muffled sound of footsteps approaching warily, the faintest trace of cologne wafting on the already fragrant air, then the man was besides him. No greetings were exchanged, no words spoken and for a long while the only sounds to be heard was the faint whistling sigh of the wind as it skipped and danced endlessly through the trees and the well-tended grass. The tension between the two men was palpable, as the strained silence seemed to stretch out into eternity. They stood, each battling with their own thoughts, their own consciousness. Like two statues, the pair of estranged friends struggled to summon up the courage to speak the words that needed so desperately to be spoken.
The taller man shifted nervously clearing his throat and finally managed to push the words past lips which felt cold and numb with some a great deal of difficulty. “Wufei…I’m…sorry. What I said back then…at the funeral…I…” The young man drew a shuddering breath then concluded in a rush, “I was wrong for what I said and I am truly sorry. It was a very emotional time and…”
“Don’t.” Wufei snapped, sharper than he had intended, cutting off that voice harshly, his brow furrowing at the painful memory. He drew in a shuddering intake of air and after a silent moment to collect his thoughts and feelings, he continued in a much softer, gentler voice. “There is no need to apologize…it had been a very trying time for the both of us.”
With eyes downcast, the ebony haired youth turned slowly to face the man besides him. Onyx eyes met emerald as he raised his head to look into his comrade’s face. Tears glistened in the depths of those beautiful green eyes, a kaleidoscope of emotions surged and spun. Wufei felt his own tears burning in the back of his eyes, always so close to the surface. And his heart went out to the brunette man, who had also lost the one he loved. Trowa, more than anyone else, would understand the Oriental’s feelings of loss and desolation. Of hopelessness and despair. Of hearts ripped apart by loneliness, and souls plagued with darkness.
With a soft smile, Wufei extended his hand out towards the former pilot of Heavyarms. It was time to end the hurt, the pain, the loneliness. Time to end the isolation. Time to say goodbye to memories that cut sharp as razors, memories that killed the heart and the soul.
“Let’s let bygones be bygones.”
A single tear slipped down Trowa’s face as he reached out and clasped Wufei’s hand with his own trembling hand and gave it a firm shake. Then, the long banged youth abruptly pulled the smaller boy into his arms, embracing him as the dam gave way and he shed his own tears, tears of sorrow and relief and joy mixing together, flowing as one.
For a moment, Wufei stiffened, his heart beating a crazy tattoo in his narrow chest, before he allowed himself to yield, and ever so slowly, he relaxed against the warmth of the other boy’s body. A soft trembling sigh escaped his lips as his own arms wrapped around Trowa’s shaking torso. It felt so good, so right, so necessary. It was the first human contact he had had in almost five years and suddenly Wufei realized with a calm sense of surety that his days of suffering, the dark endless nights of loneliness, where dawn seemed an impossible dream that teased and taunted forever out of reach like a mirage, were over.
Wufei resolved to relinquish all of the debilitating feelings of misery, emptiness and grief. With the help of his friends, he would live again, for Quatre’s sake, as well as his own.
THE END
