Jeff Foxworthy on Nebraska
Oct. 22nd, 2008 10:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
yellowhordeIf you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Nebraska.
If you’re proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because it’s the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Nebraska.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Nebraska.
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Nebraska.
If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don’t work there, you might live in Nebraska.
If your dad’s suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Nebraska.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Nebraska.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Nebraska.
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Nebraska.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Nebraskan WHEN:
1. “Vacation” means going east or west on I-80 for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day and back again.
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
9. You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
12. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
13. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
14. Down South to you means Kansas.
15. A brat is something you eat.
16. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
17. You go out to a tail gate party every Friday.
18. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
19. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
20. You find 0 degrees “a little chilly.”
21. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Nebraska friends.
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Now most of those are probably true....gotta love the state!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Welcome to Omaha . Whether passing through or coming for a visit, there are a few things the visitor to Omaha should know in order to have a safe and enjoyable trip. First, you must learn to pronounce the city name correctly. It is "oh - ma - ha," not "oh - ma - haw." Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Omaha has its own version of traffic rules:
1. At a 4-way stop, the truck with the loudest exhaust goes first. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that. Blue-haired ladies driving anything have right of way anytime
2. To find anything in Omaha, it is required that you know where 72nd & Dodge is. It is the Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End of all directions.
3. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
4. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot.
5. Construction is a permanent fixture in Omaha. The barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.
6. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been accidentally activated.
7. Never honk at anyone. Ever. . . Seriously.
8. The JFK Freeway, MLK Freeway, I-480 and US-75 are four names for the same road. (see also US-133, Blair High Road, Military Ave., NW Radial, Saddle Creek, and Cuming St.)
9. The Omaha interstate and highway system is intended primarily for cargo-bearing trucks and resident commuters. Any cars not bearing Omaha or Council Bluffs plates will be cut-off, boxed-in and caused to miss their exit.
10. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as: potholes, barricades, dogs, cats, cones, barrels, squirrels, rabbits, deer, pieces of other cars, raccoons, skunks, opossum, truck tires, horses, cows and crows or vultures feeding on any of these items.
11. If you are in the left lane and only going 70 mph in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a hazard and will be "flipped-off" accordingly.
12. The minimum acceptable speed on the JFK/MLK/I-480/US-75 (see above) is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. This is Nebraska's version of NASCAR.
13. Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for city driving.
14. The seasons, Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter, are referred to here as Morning, Afternoon, Evening, and Night.
15. If it is below freezing and sleeting or snowing, then watch out. Omaha residents consider this "demolition derby day" and will be all over the roads (frontward, backward, etc.). Please proceed with caution as you could be the next target.
Once again, we would like to say, WELCOME TO OMAHA, NEBRASKA. Enjoy your stay.
If you’re proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because it’s the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Nebraska.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Nebraska.
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Nebraska.
If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don’t work there, you might live in Nebraska.
If your dad’s suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Nebraska.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Nebraska.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Nebraska.
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Nebraska.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Nebraskan WHEN:
1. “Vacation” means going east or west on I-80 for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day and back again.
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
9. You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
12. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
13. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
14. Down South to you means Kansas.
15. A brat is something you eat.
16. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
17. You go out to a tail gate party every Friday.
18. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
19. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
20. You find 0 degrees “a little chilly.”
21. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Nebraska friends.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Now most of those are probably true....gotta love the state!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Welcome to Omaha . Whether passing through or coming for a visit, there are a few things the visitor to Omaha should know in order to have a safe and enjoyable trip. First, you must learn to pronounce the city name correctly. It is "oh - ma - ha," not "oh - ma - haw." Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Omaha has its own version of traffic rules:
1. At a 4-way stop, the truck with the loudest exhaust goes first. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that. Blue-haired ladies driving anything have right of way anytime
2. To find anything in Omaha, it is required that you know where 72nd & Dodge is. It is the Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End of all directions.
3. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
4. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot.
5. Construction is a permanent fixture in Omaha. The barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.
6. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been accidentally activated.
7. Never honk at anyone. Ever. . . Seriously.
8. The JFK Freeway, MLK Freeway, I-480 and US-75 are four names for the same road. (see also US-133, Blair High Road, Military Ave., NW Radial, Saddle Creek, and Cuming St.)
9. The Omaha interstate and highway system is intended primarily for cargo-bearing trucks and resident commuters. Any cars not bearing Omaha or Council Bluffs plates will be cut-off, boxed-in and caused to miss their exit.
10. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as: potholes, barricades, dogs, cats, cones, barrels, squirrels, rabbits, deer, pieces of other cars, raccoons, skunks, opossum, truck tires, horses, cows and crows or vultures feeding on any of these items.
11. If you are in the left lane and only going 70 mph in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a hazard and will be "flipped-off" accordingly.
12. The minimum acceptable speed on the JFK/MLK/I-480/US-75 (see above) is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. This is Nebraska's version of NASCAR.
13. Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for city driving.
14. The seasons, Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter, are referred to here as Morning, Afternoon, Evening, and Night.
15. If it is below freezing and sleeting or snowing, then watch out. Omaha residents consider this "demolition derby day" and will be all over the roads (frontward, backward, etc.). Please proceed with caution as you could be the next target.
Once again, we would like to say, WELCOME TO OMAHA, NEBRASKA. Enjoy your stay.
